Blog Q1 Blog #2 - Shari Vaidya - There’s so much to look forward to

    I want to start this blog post off by saying this: I am doing better, I take things one day at a time, and I try to appreciate the beauty of life around me. Since adopting this mindset and getting the help that I needed, I have been doing much better.

    I have not always been like this, and I don’t think I will stay consistent in this mindset; it is not because I am a pessimist, that is just how depression works. Depression takes away all of the value that you give life, running off with it like a thief in the night. I am not lying when I say that I once went to bed perfectly fine and woke up the next morning (and every morning for the next year), with utter hopelessness and despair. 

I feel like the song that perfectly encapsulates this feeling is Ariana Grande’s song “Ghostin.” Originally written as an apology for her then-fiancé Pete Davidson, “Ghostin” details the grief that Grande felt after the death of her ex-boyfriend Mac Miller while being in a relationship with Davidson.

When I listen to this song, I grieve with Grande, not for Miller, but for the person I once was. I mourn the loss of genuine smiles, early nights (I tend to become an insomniac during these episodes), and the feeling of joy. I relate to Grande because this song encapsulates the limbo state that depression puts you in. You are trying to look forward, to trudge along for brighter days, but you just can't seem to ghost the shadow that follows you.

“I know you hear me when I cry, I try to hold it in at night…

Look at the cards that we’ve been dealt, if it were anybody else, probably wouldn’t last a day, every tear’s a rain parade from hell.”

I probably would have never gotten through the other side if it weren’t for my best friend, Lissa. I truly believe that everyone deserves a Lissa in their life, as she was the only one who truly saw what I was going through. I wasn’t the greatest person towards her, but she still showed up and cared for me when it felt like I had no one. I see “Ghostin” as me apologizing to Lissa in an alternate universe. I may not be perfect, but I try to put my struggles aside to support her and to be the friend that she deserves. I hope I am better to her now that I’m doing better. Looking back on this, it was unfair to put all this pressure on her. Lissa was the only person I was able to drop the facade and be honest with, to let her know that I was struggling.

“And after all that we’ve been through

 (And after all that we’ve been through),

There’s so much to look forward to.”

I would cling to this lyric along with the instrumental at the end of the song as it served as a reassurance to me that things can and will get better. After all of the darkness I have faced, I still need to look forward to the future. The ending instrumental is even more powerful to me. Grande employs sounds from a thunderstorm– rain crackling down and lightning crashes while the song reaches the climax with distorted vocals and powerful, soulful strings. I think of the ending as a thunderstorm washing away all of the remnants of the old self– this is usually the worst of my depressive episodes. But when the rain subsides, I am born again; after ages, the sun is out again! After all, things need to get worse before they get better.

Hopefully, you can distinguish the difference between these two pictures of me.

Credits: me